Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Us vs. Them

In a few short weeks, I will reach a point of time I have a really hard time dealing with. My daughter will turn 6. And that isn't the main reason I get upset. Yes, it's hard when my "baby" gets another year older. And this year it is even harder because she will be joining Evan at school.

No, what makes it hard is that I will have 2 6 year olds. Not twins. In different grades. Now, I don't know about you other parents out there, but depending on what I'm up to that day, I can get asked about my kids ages multiple times a day. Right now, I can say I have a 5, 6, and 11 year old. Not a huge deal, right.

But in a few weeks, I'll be saying I have 2 6 year olds. Which is always, always followed up with "Oh, so you have twins", which makes me have to say "No, they are just close in age." Which is followed up by "How close?" and I have to answer with "Oh, 10 months and a week close."

And then I get the stare. Now, after 6 years of this, I know what the stare means, although it differs from male to females.

Here's how the female conversation finishes:

Female: (completely shocked, eyes open wide) Oh, wow, you must have been busy. You poor thing.

Me: Yeah, we were completely shocked, too.

Here is what we're saying under the kind words:

Female: What a whore. You deserve it for even thinking about putting out so close to having a baby.

Me: We were fucking floored, but at least we have all the shit already.

Now, here is how the end of the conversation goes with the males:

Male: (laughing and so wanting to high five someone) Wow, you're husband is awesome. How'd he talk you into that?

Me: Um, well. Ah.

What the male is really thinking is this:

Male: Jay's wife is whore! Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Um, well. Ah. Douche.

Us females also have a different version of what happened to get us pregnant in the first place. I believe it went down something like this:

Me: Man, I have a headache. Babe, will you please bring me some Tylenol.

Jay: Sure. (checks medicines cupboard, finds extra Vicodin, starts forming a plan). Here you go, hon. I brought you 2 just in case. Awesome.

An hour later, I am passed out in bed. Jay puts the baby to bed, strips down, climbs in bed, and the following conversation follows:

Jay: Honey......wake up......you wanna have sex?

Me: Flurg......snore.....snore........

Jay: A'right!

3 months later he is no longer "A'right"ing anything. Haha. Uterus 2, Jay 0.

Now, Jay's version probably goes something like this:

Porn music playing, of course.

Christie: Let's fuck!

Jay: A'right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See how the men and women differ on this.


Jay Ferris said...

I would like the record to clearly state that I did not date rape you into having another baby. The real way it went down was this:

Jay: So do you wanna...?

Christie: Why do you think I had a cesarean? Back in business after 10 days bitch! Now let's do this!

Christie said...

Jay: Of course you didn't date rape me into having another baby. I prefer the term "tricked".

Monkey Girl said...

Sounds like my husbands version too...remember the time I took the Ambien? He swears I jumped him, but I'm not convinced, especially when the very next night he was shaking the pill bottle asking me if I needed a sleeping pill and smirking.

Kelly said...


Jay's version kinda sounds like you... not gonna lie.

Christie said...

Kelly, So maybe at some point I would have said that, but no way right after having a baby.

Beth said...

LOLOLOL!!!!! Ahhh you two crack me up. I bet it was good, regardless! ;)