Thursday, July 30, 2009

Not that I truly believe he would......

As you all know, I am on hormones. These are making me crazy. More like crazy angry, not crazy crazy. I'm not that chick running around with curlers in her hair waving a bat at people in the middle of Wal-Mart crazy. I'm the girl contemplating ramming her Dodge Durango into the lady in the other lane because she is putting on mascara in her car. I have no idea why this angers me so, I mean, she wasn't impeding my lane of traffic or anything, so why should I care, right? I did go off on an old man at Fred Meyer, but I waited until I had been checked out, and to be fair, the checker totally took my side.

See, what happened was this. I was loading my groceries onto the conveyor belt and when I was halfway done, this old dude comes up and puts the divider stick almost all the way up to my groceries, even though he could see I still had half a cart of groceries. So I pushed the stick back and continued to unload. The stupid old fart pushed it back up against my food and continues to unload his shit. I'm getting madder and madder and when I'm finally done, the checker looks at me and says "Wow, doesn't look like you had a lot of room given to you, does it?" and glares at the old fucker, who is looking around. She bags my stuff and I swear I am envisioning kicking his knees out from under him and then kicking his nose in, too. I continue to take deep breaths to calm myself down because I have to realize most old people suck and believe they can get away with shit because they are old. Anyway, once she is done, and my cart is loaded, I turn to the old guy and say:

"Common courtesy dictates you wait until I am done unloading before you start putting your shit on the belt. Next time, don't be such a rude piece of crap, old man."

He said something about not noticing I still had so many groceries and I so "kindly" reminded him that he kept moving the stick when I would move it back. He wasn't blind, right. Just old and dumb. Then I turned and walked out.

I went to the store at 7:30 in the morning to avoid idiots being that I am hormonally challenged right now and keeping my opinion to myself is harder than fuck. And look what I ran into.

Right now, old people, bus drivers, semi-truck drivers, young children, babies, and old-people drivers are huge anger triggers.

And the person who gets the brunt of my anger, other than my poor kids (who semi deserve it, because I swear, they are out to get me. Are they reading up on how to annoy me to death or what? The minute I sit down to rest, they ask for something. I put them to bed, I sit to rest, they are up asking for something. They ask one million questions a day. EACH. And no matter how many things we do in a day, they want to do more. Seriously, mommy is fucking tired, kids, give it a rest already.)? Jay. Poor guy. I know I am being horrible to him, but seriously, I can't help it. It's like being pregnant again. Ladies, remember? Everything they did annoyed you right? And being that they are guys, they know they are annoying you so they go out of their way to annoy you more. But you are so hormonally fucked up, you can see yourself kicking them in the boy bits with steel toe boots and getting extreme pleasure out of it, right. And it's not like he's being a total fucker, either. I know I am just seeing it that way through my hormone goggles.

I don't know what I expect him to do? I kind of expect him to shut up and take it because seriously, I can't help it. This is me trying to be nice. But honestly, I am using up all my trying on the kids during the day, so when he gets home, he gets Enraged and Dangerous Christie, Wife from Hell. Run and take cover!

So I heard this song and thought of my poor husband. I know he won't leave me because we're a team, and he has a lot to make up for for when I was pregs with Evan and Kenzie. Plus, at some point, he's going to get old and starts pissing his pants, and it's gonna fall to me to clean that up. Pay back is a bitch, my friends. And I'm sure he'll make sure we have the best insurance that doesn't cover diaper changing, so lucky me, right.

Please Don't Leave Me by Pink

Da da da da, da da da da

Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
da da da da-da
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is....broken

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry.

Da da da da, da da da da
da da da da-da da
Please, please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me.
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

I love you, Jay, I truly do. No matter what I say or do during this hormonal time, I could not go through something like this with anyone else without killing them. I love you too much to kill you, babe.


random moments said...

Okay did you slip me some of your hormones because this post had me teary eyed. Wtf??

First of all, you are the type of woman I want to take these places with me: Walmart, the DMV, etc. I SO WANT to say these things but cannot for some reason.

Second, you joke about how mean you are to J but this post so made up for it. ;) So sweet, even if you DID choose Pink.... j/k!

xoxoxo J

Kelly said...

"I love you too much to kill you, babe."

awww that's like the sweetest thing I ever heard... /swoon.

I hope you guys make it through this alive. I would hate to hear about it on a scroll at the bottom of the news.

Christie said...

First off, you two, are like freaks of nature. You know you both left comments within minutes of each other, right? Are you on the same cycle, too? And that is not meant to be mean, promise.

Jill, It is simple. Old people, especially, are scared shitless of younger people, so you can tell them off without any repercussions. Plus, they generally deserve a tongue lashing as they generally do dumb and rude things. And I don't think Jay has totally forgiven me for punching him in the stomach last night for a reason I have already forgotten. P.S. The new Pink album rocks! Suck it. Love you! Phew, long comment!

And Kells, we'll make it. And if not, I predict the title will read "Seattle Woman Kills Husband Over Last Popsicle in a Hormonal Rampage". I'm just saying, the only thing I love right now is Popsicles and that fucker keeps stealing them. As a matter of fact, I'm out now. Look for the post.

Jay Ferris said...

I'm still not sure whether I should thank you for this or go sign up for self defense classes.

Yeah, probably both.

Judy said...

My daughter is not lying. She is possessed right now. Anything she asks for I do. Really. I love you sweetie. Hang in there.

And Jay.. . .you must have balls of steel. I love you too!!!!!

Kelly said...

hahaha I think we are both addicted to our bloglines...

and yeah... we probably are on the same cycle. WHAT OF IT?!?!

Just kidding... please don't hurt me.

Rita said...

I want to take all this pics with me. Please provide me some more pics.


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