Friday, July 31, 2009

And F that, too

As I can tell from my friends and family, my hormonal misfortune is your laughable gain. So why not blog about it, right.

Today, I'll tell you the things that can basically go fuck themselves, which there are a lot of. Because every-fucking-thing is pissing me off lately. And be prepared for the f-bomb because it is my favorite word right now. Along with cockshiner, toolbag, and sonofabitch. Especially in the car.

  1. The homeless people that get up and walk up and down the street, taking advantage of the fact we all have our windows open, trying to talk us out of our money. Here's a hint, fuckstain, a job would get you out of the heat and get money in your pocket.
  2. Bike riders. Hello, you CANNOT go faster than my car. Stay the fuck outta my way. Seriously.
  3. Road construction on almost every street around the Seattle Center. I am not fucking kidding. Kenzie is in drama school this week, and every fucking day, they have moved to a different street, making it impossible to map out a route to the school without getting stuck.
  4. Tourist. I fucking hate you all. Get out of the street. I understand you want a picture of the Space Needle but stopping in the cross walk to get the picture will get you killed. You are especially lucky I was not at the head of the line of cars. You would be in the morgue now.
  5. Duck Tours. You are obnoxious. You also have no idea how to stay in your own lane of traffic. Learn how to drive a boat on wheels first. Fuck.
  6. Heat. I know this is pretty broad, but holy shit, 106 degrees in Seattle. Are you kidding me. Between the 3 hormone pills and the 2 Topomax pills, I am fucking dying here. I think I have sweated off 10 pounds, which sounds awesome, but definitely isn't awesome because you feel fucking disgusting.
  7. Laundry. I need not explain. You all know why this just sucks balls.
  8. Netflix. Stop charging me fuckers!!!!!!!!!!! I canceled you!
  9. Bike cops. Seriously. What do you do. Why are we paying you?
  10. Other peoples kids. Mostly strangers kids. Keep them away from me. I don't like to be touched by strangers, especially little strangers, God knows where there hands have been. Honestly. Gross.
  11. The Homeless, Part 2. I do not appreciate you bathing in public wading pools. Fucking disgusting. I am already leery enough of letting my kids play in public pools, but add the homeless lady basically showering in the fountain at Seattle Center this morning, and basically pleasuring herself over one of the jets, and you have me lathering my kids in rubbing alcohol and vowing to never enter public water again.
  12. Old people in grocery stores. I cannot stand you walking at a fucking snails pace in the middle of the FUCKING AISLE, then abandoning it while you slow as fuck walk over to the prunes to evaluate every fucking brand (even though you know you are going to buy the cheapest one!!!!!!!!!). You are blocking the aisle and you know it. Stop hogging the aisle. And stop getting offended when I push your cart aside to make way for mine. If you are going to be rude, I'm going to be rude right back. Yeah, take that. Also, I was not put in the aisle to reach shit for you. I am 5'2" tall, I need a step ladder to reach shit on the top shelf as well, what makes you think I can reach anything any better than you.
  13. Line jumpers!!!!! Again, this mostly goes to old people. I don't care if you only have a pack of gum and a paper. Go to the express lane, dipshit. I've been in line waiting, you can, too. Don't make me cut you, because I totally will. And no judge will find me guilty when he sees all the shit I'm on.
  14. Telemarketers. Not only does it piss me off that they call my cell phone, but when they call my cell phone and when I answer I hear "Please hold for a very important message from I am a fucking asshole.......", or "Please call I suck nuts at 1-888-nut-lover to hear about an awesome investment". If I could find these people right now, I would burn their shit down and not feel one ounce of guilt over it. How dare you call me and ask me to hold or call you. YOU CALLED ME, COCKSHINER.
  15. Close parkers. You know who you are. In my numerous trips to my numerous specialists, I park in numerous parking garages. I understand that the spaces are tight, but do any fucking assholes need to park so fucking close that I need to crawl in through my hatchback? Apparently so. You are lucky I don't key "I like to suck giant cock" all over your car. Or if I'm parked in a parking lot and I go out of my way to park at the back of the lot so I can be away from people, and when I come out, someone is parked maybe 6 inches from my drivers door. I just want to pull out and ram their car so bad. Fuck, I hate those people.
I need to stop now. Mostly because my husband is going to read this and get more scared of me than he already is. And I'm somewhat worried you guys are going to think I am seriously demented. Which I'm not. I'm just seriously drugged up. There is a difference, see. And to be honest, I don't really care. I dare you to say something to me right now. I'll totally take you on. And if I can't, my husband is a big guy, he'll take you on in my honor, right honey. I said, RIGHT HONEY.

*****I do not hate all old people. My grandparents are 2 of my very favorite people. They are also 2 of the most courteous people you will ever meet. My Nanna won't drive because she is terrified of the increased speed limits, which I applaud her for. Neither of them would ever pull this shit on anyone, ever. I just felt I should make that clear.


random moments said...

I'm dying over here.... Do you hear me? As in, I think my rib broke laughing at you.

I feel badly (so very badly) that you have to take these obviously awful pills and that on top of sweating and irritability that you have to deal with the idiots that are the general public. I can't stand the public (or other people's kids, including even those related to me) so I can't imagine how I'd deal if I were on hormone pills as well.

Kelly said...

I'm with Jill. OMG!! LMFAO!

I'm totally torn with saying, "You poor thing." or "Kill those bastards!" or "Maybe you should stop driving..."

hahahaha I love you, and your crazy fucking hormones. :-* MWAH! Big sloppy kisses from a stranger. There! Add me to the list! hahaha

Crystal said...

people actually go on Duck Tours???

wtf went wrong in their lives.

now i am an annoyed.