Monday, September 17, 2007

La la lalalala

Did you miss me? I know Crystal did, she told me so. Sorry, I just haven't been that into the computer lately. Our "free" high speed sucks sweaty balls, and I just couldn't stand to sit in front of it for too long.

Here are a few things that have happened to me since I last blogged:

  1. We got a new car. And not just some stupid, cheap replacement, but a real, nice, dependable SUV! Our van, God rest her pour soul, just wasn't up for the 3 hour trip to Seattle, so my Mom helped me, I mean, us a new car. We got a 2003 Dodge Durango, fully loaded. Every option that was available for that model in 2003, it has. Ass warmers, dual climate controls, third row seating, separate climate controls for the back, rear view mirror defrosters, you name it, she has it. She is champagne, Jay calls it gold, but since I feel gold is tacky and ugly, I prefer champagne. And since I'm the driver, what I say goes.
  2. My daughter graduated from a three wheeler to a Barbie bike with training wheels.
  3. My husband called me "Snatch" last night, causing me to tear up, scratch the shit out of him and ignore him until I just couldn't stand it and started yelling at him. You know why he called me such a gross word? No, I didn't cheat on him. No, I wasn't flicking my bean to animal porn. I told him I was cold. That's it. The sentence "Brr...I'm cold" made him call me "Snatch". What a fucker. I know, I know, I have no problem with whorebag, but I have my limits. Three words I just cannot stand whatsoever are cunt, snatch, and twat. I just think they are vial words, and I just cannot stand hearing them. Jay knows this, every one I talk to daily knows this. He apologized for his monstrous mistake, I finally forgave him, and went to sleep.
  4. My across the street neighbor is a huge fat bitch. I hate her. She called the cops on us because we parked in front of her house. We parked our van on a public street and the whore called our HOA association and the cops. We got a warning telling us we had to move the car within 3 days. Um, yeah, I was going to anyway, but I so wanted to run it through her front window. She has thrown major fits since we moved here whenever anyone parks in front of her house. So to spite her, I am going to move the van back in front of her house tomorrow since I moved it yesterday. When she gets home, she'll shit her pants, and I will laugh. Cause I am a spiteful, mean person who gets her kicks off of pissing fat pigs off. My neighbors next door also hate her and plan on alternating their vehicles in front of her house. I called the HOA today and they are sending a nuisance letter to her to tell her to calm the fuck down. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
  5. My daughter's 4th birthday is today, and as usual, my husband made and decorated her cake. It is an awesome Wonder Woman cake, and my daughter cannot wait to get her grubby little paws on it.
  6. We packed all of our dishes and are now forced to eat almost all of our meals sitting on the floor and from a paper sack. We had Taco Time for lunch yesterday, Burgerville for dinner, Red Robin for lunch today, and tonight it's Papa's Pizza. I am so sick of fast food. We are not huge fast fooders, every now and then is great, but I can tell you now, my body is pissed at me and is making it's point well known.

So I am sorry for the lapse in blogging, but I know I am not the only one that has been a little out of it. I'll leave you today with a picture of me with my oldest friend, Melissa, from last Friday night. We went out for my good-bye dinner at Bartini and then drove to Spunkalem, I mean, Salem so I could meet her boytoy, Scott. They are a new couple, and so cute and cuddly I wanted to vomit. But I drank instead.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sounds like your neighbor is a real snatch. Why don't you take a dump on her front porch?

Yoda said...

You crack me up! How the hell can you scratch him and ignore him at the same time, beats me :-p

I want a new car too!

Crystal said...

good on your husband for waiting on forgiveness before he fell asleep. nothing gets me more irritated than when i am not done being mad and my boyfriend falls asleep. so i make a bunch of noise and "accidentally" knee him in the balls. i am getting angry just thinking about it. ryan is going to get it when i get home!

don't forget to light the poopbag on fire so she stamps it out and gets it all over her slippers.

captain corky said...

Note to self: Never call Christie a snatch! I think my wife would gouge my eyes out if I called her a snatch.

Christie said...

Dyck: I hate that word, but I think that slutbag is all 3 of the forbidden words.

Yoda: I scratched him first, then ignored his I'm sorry advances until I wasn't so upset. Duh. Can't men figure anything out? You can have my old car if you want it.

Crystal: I can't stand that either! How can they sleep when we are shaking with rage? I can't sleep if I know he's mad at me. Not that I ever do anything to anger him, I am the best wife ever.

Corky: Let's just never call Christie names, k. Except Loveslave and whorebag. Those are just so sweet and endearing.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

I don't care what kind of car it is... it has asswarmers and that's all that counts. Maybe your stupid neighbour is just jealous that her ass doesn't get warmed?

Out of your three words, I think I hate the first one you listed the most. The other ones are gross, but I have and would go postal if anyone ever called me that.

blog Portland said...

Let's be honest everyone. There was a lot less "scratching" than there was "I'm sorry for scratching you" anal.

random moments said...

I LOVE that your HOA is sending HER a letter!!! I used to work for an HOA and I used to write letters, but I never got to write one like that!

I think when men use girlie part dirty words its just extremely offensive. Isn't it weird that hoebag or slutwhore just sounds better? *laugh* Way to keep him in his place with the silent treatment - that's the best weapon eva!!

blewknight said...

I read you every day and I gotta say.....I miss it when you don't have something new.
Your great! Keep it going!

Princess in Galoshes said...

Sending lots of hateful vibes to your neighbor from Colorado.

Sooooo wish I could have parked the ghetto party bus in front of her house...!

Christie said...

Mishy: Who wouldn't be jealous of my asswarmers? I mean, they totally kick ass. But they would have broken from her fat fucking ass. Poor asswarmers.

Jay: We've talked about this. Anal is so out of the question. If you want to stick in in someones ass, get a boyfriend. Love you!

Random: I just don't see the appeal in saying them. They just sound gross and dirty.

Blewknight: Welcome to Crazytown! And thanks for stopping by.

Princess: She would totally freak the fuck out, I swear. And I would do a happy dance!