Wednesday, September 19, 2007

And the speed limit is?

Hello from Portland. In this great state of Oregon, country roads are 55 miles an hour unless otherwise posted. Get that, 55. If you've taken a driving test in, let's say, the last decade, you know this.

So why, I must ask you, as I was driving nicely down a country road this morning while driving my son to school, was I only going 35? WHY?! Here are the reasons, in order:

A. Stupid old Asian woman PULLED OUT IN FRONT OF ME to go 30. And continue to go 30 until I finally reached the passing lane, successfully passed her (even though I swear that bitch swerved to the left), flipped her off while laying on the horn, and went about my merry business. OK, deep breath and I'm OK.

B. Farm equipment driver. Seriously, can't you drive that stupid piece of shit through a field or something? Why must it be on an actual road, stopping up traffic. Again, a honk of the horn and a finger got this douchbag out of my way.

C. The Sunday driver (on a G-Damn Wednesday) taking in the sites while I am seething behind him. DO YOU SEE ME, ASSHAT? BIG CHAMPAGNE DURANGO BEHIND YOU? DO YOU HEAR MY HORN? SEE MY FINGER? Finally, he does, and has the nerve to wave me by? Probably some do-gooder on his way to spread the holy word or something? Stupid idiot.

D. The farm hands that I am willing to bet my new car on are here illegal which is why they insist on going at least 20 miles under the speed limit at all times. Fuckers. I'm sorry, but if someone can get in trouble for speeding, people should also get into trouble for going too slow. When you see no less than 10 cars stacked up behind you, speed up or get the fuck off the road. Seriously.

E. No less than 3 smaller semi's hauling dirt, messing up my precious car, and going, again, around 35. And again, they have all the other people piling up behind them. I understand your truck is heavy, but you are totally making people late. I am pretty sure there is a law that says if you have more than 5 cars behind you and you are going under the posted limit, you are to pull over and let them pass. But not these fuckers. No way, they just sat on their asses, probably hopped up on shit, and took their precious time. All of them finally turned, and I could finally go the posted 55. FINALLY.

I am not shitting you, this all happened just this morning. I made none of it up. I can pinky swear if you want me to.

Now before any of you bitch at me about speeding, let me make this clear; I do not speed. I am honestly very aware of posted speeds and always follow them. I may have been a speed demon before having kids, but since then, I have become a very safe driver. And you may also be concerned about my road rage. I may use my horn and finger a lot, but I don't ride up people's asses or shout at them through an open window. So what if my kids first true sentence was "Green means go, fucker" or "Do you SEE the speed limit", they are just learning early on that people suck, and sometimes you have to make other people aware of their stupidity.

Only 2 more days of the insanely stupid drivers here and then I head to the birthplace of my road rage, Seattle. That place is insane with crazy drivers, not as bad as L.A., but a close second. I'll fit in nicely there, I bet.

20 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You're beautiful when you're angry. Are you sure you'd never take it up the ass?

Effortlessly Average said...

"I can pinky swear if you want me to."

Ok, sure. Um, wait. That's not your pinky, sister.

Marcia said...

I can't tell you how happy I am that I gave up my car in August and won't be driving again for a looooooong time. Drivers are shitty in NYC, plus - a monthly spot in a garage near me? $595. I've lived in apartments that were less than that!!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Out of all the slow moving vehicles I had to put up with, I think I hated tractors the most. Did you get your son to school on time?

Marcia: $595 A MONTH? Good god.

Christie said...

Dyck: I'm sure. It's just not happening.

Average: Hey,hands off the goodies, Mister!

Marcia: That is INSANE! That's more than my car payment and insurance combined.

Mishy: He was late, damnit! Doesn't that suck!

blewknight said...

I always wanted to go to the west coast and stay for a bit. I never did stay though..........the waters on the wrong side. I guess you get used to it, huh?

blewknight said...

I always wanted to go to the west coast and stay for a bit. I went but never did stay though.........the waters on the wrong side. I guess you get used to it, huh?

blewknight said...

sorry, it seems to have worked the first time.

Effortlessly Average said...

Oops, sorry.

But, um... nice goodies btw.

And hey, what you grabbed wasn't MY pinky either, ma'am, but feel free to keep searching.

Beth said...

OMG...I HATE people that actually drive the spped limit...and the people who go UNDER the speed limit? Kill 'em all, I say.

I speed...all the time. 55 is just too damn slow...

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I love *asshat* ...so appropriate for oh so many people I know...

TheBirdman33 said...

I am kind of scared of you and developing a little crush all at the same time.

TheBirdman33 said...

I've written posts about my own road rage that I thought people were going to think were insane and they always agreed with me! Definately the people that pull out in front of you almost causing you to end up in their trunk, just so they can go 20 miles an hour. Those people should be fire bombed.

captain corky said...

The speed limit on the highways in Kentucky are 70. God bless Kentucky. LOL

Effortlessly Average said...

You could live in Nevada, where the speed limit is basically "keep in on the road"

random moments said...

I bet you do look hot flipping the bird in all your road rage splendor. *snicker*

Don't worry though, road rage is normal - I dream of ramming people from the back and then taking off.

Kerri said...

I thought of you today as I drove into Portland and had to repeatedly drive in the middle and right lane to pass the Washingtonians driving the speed-limit or less in the left lane. I don't know how you're going to do it.

But seriously, I found LA drivers to be much more courteous and safe than drivers in Seattle, Portland, and all of Texas (especially Corpus). But the last time I drove through there was nine years ago I think. Wow we're all getting old.

minijonb said...

"Green means go, fucker"

haHA! i love that! i also knew how to use the f-word correctly in a sentence by the time i was 3.

RevRee said...

I seriously hate it when people cut you off and then slow down!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

*cough* sorry, bad memory...

Effortlessly Average said...

Alright get off your cute ass and post again already! Are you drunk? The blogosphere is just plain lazy lately. How am I supposed to avoid work when no one's freaking posting?! Pretty soon I'm going to be reduced to reading the Rio surf updates in Portugese (and I don't speak the language!).