Friday, August 17, 2007

A night to remember

A few months ago, I hopped the train to Lacy, Washington to kick it with my brothers for a weekend. They are 26, have good jobs, and love to party it up. They are also mirror image identical twins. Meaning if they look at each other, everything matches. Josh parts his hair on the right, bats right handed, writes right handed. Jason parts his hair on the left, bats left handed, and has taken to writing left handed as well. They have cavities in the same tooth on the opposite sides of the mouth. See what I mean by mirror image. They even have the same birthmark mole behind their ears, just on opposite sides. And they are such cuties, or so I am told by my countless women friends. My good friend, Melissa, has insisted since we were 15 that she would some day claim Josh as her second husband. Since she just got a divorce this past year, I'm starting to worry she might try and really do it, too.

Anyway, like I was saying, I went to spend a weekend with them and party like a Rockstar. On their tab, of course. They promised to pay for all the booze and food in exchange for making them meals while I was there. I can cook, I do it daily, why not feed them some meals that aren't pre-made or frozen in exchange for a barful of liquor?

When I stepped off the train, I heard them before I saw them.

Josh: Christie! Christie! Fuck, pay attention! CHRISTIE!

Me: Yeah, I'm here!

Jason: (gives me a hug that nearly breaks me in half) What the hell took so long, my beer buzz is wearing off!

Me: (gasping for breath) Sorry, the fucking train guy apparently didn't realize that there were 3 anxious drunk guys waiting here for me. I'll make sure it never happens again.

Jarred: (picks me up and swings me around) Glad you're here. Let's get the fuck on the road. I'm fucking starving!

--Jarred has been kind of like a 3rd brother to me since meeting my brothers in kindergarten. He is just one of the many guys that practically grew up in our house. He is also now renting a house with my brothers.--

Josh: I'm parked over here, we need to go and get beer. You're crashing in Jason's room, he's sleeping on the couch. He lost the toss. (Jason thumps him hard on the head). Fucker!

Me: Boys, boys! Thank you, Jason. Now, where is the alcohol? (Josh hands me a beer) Um, hello, haven't we had this conversation enough for you to know, I think beer is nasty? I know I drank it in high school, but that's because I wasn't old enough to know better and it was free. I refuse to drink anything that can be put in a metal keg ever again.

Jason: Fucking ungrateful bitch! (I try to hit him, but he dodges) I'm fucking kidding! Jesus, knock it off! I still have the scratch scars from when we were little! (my brothers have been bigger and stronger than me since I was 10 and they were 6. My only defense was my fingernails.)

Anyway, from the train station, we ditched Jason and Jarred at the house and Josh and I went to the store to buy more stuff to drink and food for me to prepare. He about crapped himself when I put bananas and apples in the cart. Apparently, fruit is not considered a major food group to 26 year old bachelors.

When we got back, a few more of their friends had shown up. After getting hugs from the lot, the drinking began. We started watching Grandma's Boy for the first of many times, and basically shot the shit until I was ALLOWED to go pass out around 3:00 A.M.

I sat straight up at 6:00, thinking I had to get Jay out of bed, kids ready for school, lunches packed, and breakfast on the table. When the room stopped spinning, I remembered where I was, and passed the fuck back out. I woke up around 10:00, found my brothers showered and dressed, and watching sports. Fuck, I hate watching sports, especially first thing in the morning.

Me: Where's the coffee pot? Joshua, where. is. the. coffee. pot? JOSHUA!

Josh: Fuck, what?! Stop fucking yelling at me!

Me: I asked twice where is the coffee pot?

Josh: Coffee pot? Where the hell do you think you are? A hotel? We stop and get coffee on the way to work.

Me: You honestly don't have a coffee pot? Really? Who the hell doesn't have a fucking coffee pot? That is just uncivilized, truly it is.

Tommy: Christie, stop your yapping. I'm watching something here.

Me: You're watching fucking sports, Tommy, they'll replay the same fucking thing over and over again. Joshy, are you going to let him talk to me like that?

Jason: (punches Tommy) Let's go eat breakfast. They have red beers at Denny's, let's go.

Me: I'm not even fucking dressed. Give me a sec, K.

Josh: Hurry the hell up. We're starving!

So I haul ass and put some clothes on, remembering to steal one of my brothers sweatshirts on the way out. He notices, makes me promise to return it before I leave, and we are out the door.

At Denny's we get their favorite booth, order up, and watch in amazement as the t.v.'s are focusing on Britney Spears shaving her head. The red beers and first cup of coffee arrive, along with my chocolate milkshake. Jason grabs it first, takes a swig, hands it to Josh, and I got back a half full container. Typical breakfast behavior with my brothers. My toast and hashbrowns arrive next, along with their turkey platters of food. They finish theirs before I am even half way done, and then fight over who gets the leftovers. Man, I missed them.

That night, our dad picked us up to celebrate his birthday, and we all prayed for the Lord to keep us safe as our step-mom drove us to Tacoma to meet our aunt and uncle for dinner. She had just bought a brand new Lexus, and wouldn't let anyone drive it but her. I don't know why, her old one was so dinged up from her multiple accidents, I don't see how anyone could do much worse. We arrived safely, hands numb from holding onto the oh-shit bar, but in one piece. We immediately ordered drinks and started giving our dad crap about getting old. Then we got into family memories, their new house in Mexico, our uncle's house that was being built in Brazil, and that's when I finally tuned out. My brothers kept making faces and I couldn't stop laughing at them. My dad actually had to tell us to calm down a few times. Oh, just like the good old days.

Once home, about 10 people had showed up and our van-taxi was set to arrive at any moment. We finally headed to the bar, bought shot after shot of drinks, drank pitchers of beers and mixed drinks, and closed the bar down. Back at the house, we kept it going until 5:00 A.M., I barely remember going to bed.

I awoke pretty early, kicked Tommy so he would make room on the couch, and sat in a daze until I had to prepare for the trip home. I stole my brothers keys and credit card, and went in search for a coffee stand. And since I had stolen his card, I bought them all coffee. I am such a sweet sister.

I had a blast, but it took me a whole week to recover. I am not a 26 year old anymore, and I don't even think then I could have kept up and not been tired. At 26, I had been married, divorced, been remarried and had 2 more kids. Not exactly a life fit for partying.

On another note, my brothers are single and looking to score with as many women as possible. If you are dumb, have enormous boobs, and are looking to be taken advantage of, let me know.


Kerri said...

At first I cracked up at "I'm not a 26 year old anymore" but now I'm just a little sad...

That was a different era for me.

Ryan said...

This makes me wish I had more siblings

Dyck!! said...

My penis is bigger than all those guys put together.

captain corky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
captain corky said...


When I was 26 this was my life in DC. Whoever says that binge drinking is bad never hung out with me. That's for sure.

You seem like a log of fun Christie. Want to come over and cook, clean and drink with us sometime? ;)

Yoda said...

I'm 28, single and wanting to score as many women as possible! LOL!

Let me know if you know of any women who apply!

Christie said...

Kerri: It's a whole different ball game now that you're having a kid! Believe me!

Ryan: I love my brothers,but always wished for a sister. I just dressed them up as girls instead.

Dyck: Again, 4.5 inches is not big. By any standards.

Corky: I would love to drink with you, but I save the cooking and cleaning for relatives or people I put out for.

Yoda: I'll be sure to forward them your way. If they are able to read the blog, they are way too intelligent for my brothers.