Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm gonna kill that person

I am sick and tired of car horns that don't sound like a car horn. What is wrong with BEEP BEEP? Why the need to make it sound like fiesta music? Really? Is it necessary?

If the speed limit sign says 55 mph, go fucking 55 MPH, douchbag! And if it says to go 45 around a curve, once you are around the curve, speed back up! How do some people pass driving tests or keep their licenses?

Hello, Mr. Trimet Bus Driver, I see you. I also know that there is NO FUCKING WAY I am letting you get in front of me so that you can go 10 miles under the speed limit and then pull over and block my lane of traffic. Beep your horn all you want to, it's still not going to happen.

Just because I am in a cranky mood, does not mean I am on my period. I am entitled to have a pissy day without a stupid man assuming I am on the rag. It happens. I don't ask you to jerk off the blue balls when you are cranky, do I?

If there isn't a law stating that garbage men cannot pick up economy sized garbage containers before 7:00 AM and bang them all around and then literally throw them on the ground, there damn well should be. Do garbage men turn to dust if they are out past 2 in the afternoon? Is it really necessary to start waking up the neighborhoods at 5 in the morning?

OK, men, if you have a blow dryer for yourself, you are gay. And that isn't a bad thing. But it is bad to stay in the closet when we all know the truth. I don't buy the old "I'm a metrosexual" crap. You are gay. Be proud and say it.

The next person that thinks they are being sneaky by using the shoulder to pass is going to get hit by yours truly. You suck dead mans balls and I cannot wait to move my piece of crap van over just enough that you hit it and total the fucker (but only if the kids aren't in the car, of course). Then I get a new car paid for by the asshat, and they get higher insurance rates, a ticket, and hopefully learn a valuable lesson.

When are my children going to learn that back-talking me is NEVER EVER EVER going to get them their way? Really, the sooner they learn this, the sooner I can quit grounding them. I am always going to win. ALWAYS. I don't care how valid their point is, arguing = losing in our house.

I hope that someone can figure out a way to pass a horrible disease through the computer to all the asshole spammers out there. I opened my e-mail today and had 75 G-Damn e-mails about getting bigger boobs, enlarging my significant others penis, lowering my mortgage rates, and all that other crap. And all from these shitty addresses like isuckdick@dicklicker.com and whorebagsrus@slutbag.com. Wow, I wish I could have an email like that. Imagine the surprise on my Nanna's face if she got an email from ilovesplooge@balllicker.com.

Yes, I support the troops that are stuck over in Iraq. I don't support the REASON they are over there. Let them come home to their families. If our moron president thinks we should have people there to baby-sit, then he should take his gun wielding friend, Dick Cheney, and head over. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Ahhh, that took a huge weight off my shoulders.

18 comments:

Crystal said...

I don't ask you to jerk off the blue balls when you are cranky, do I?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

blog Portland said...

So much anger. Clearly it must be that time of the month.

Ryan said...

You should be glad that some people have car horns that play La Cucaracha. Consider it a warning for you and your Car Stereo to get the hell out of there

Christie said...

Crystal: Thank you for your female support. Us ladies got to band together.

BP: I know where you live. I will deal with you later.

Ryan: Every damn morning the same dingle-berry embellished car honks that damn horn like 5 times. Tomorrow I'm going to take a crap on it to get my point across.

Magnum PO said...

Glad I got rid of my hairdryer last week!

Ev said...

oh, and by the way...what is up with jay's blog today? it won't let me comment and i really want to put something about give me the keys you fucking cocksucking motherfucker argh on there.

boo.

Yoda said...

Now that you've shot your load, and have calmed the fuck down ...

How do you get spam in your Gmail? I get virtually nothing ... their spam blocker is pretty effective!

Halliburton's profits are up! Yay!

Dyck!! said...

Mmmm...you're sexy when you're angry! Could you forward me the email for boner pills?

Variant E said...

Hah...you live in Portland! I knew it as soon as I read the driving habits your bitching about. See if this one reminds you of the city of roses: people lining up in their cars 6 miles back because there is a merge and they don't want to have to actually have confrontation by taking the lane that has to merge in even though nobody is in it because they know that by the time they actually get to the merge point, those people have been sitting 20 minutes in their stupid line of cars and now won't let anyone in that doesn't have an AK47 pointed at them. Does this sound like the mege philosophy of Portland or what?

Guilty Secret said...

Ha ha ha ha ha so many funny bits here...
Crystal already pulled out my favourite line but there were so many good ones :D
I feel like you lifted a weight off my shoulder too just from reading that!

captain corky said...

(picture a tear running down my cheek as I say this to you) Christie, I picked some wild flowers on the side of the road for you today. Is this not a good time?

Christie said...

Magnum PO: I have your gay card here, where should I send it?

Crystal: I was having problems today as well. At least Blogger has auto save now!

Yoda: I don't know! I never used to, and now I am just over-run by that crap. I refuse to change my email address AGAIN!

Dyck: Hey, baby, I need a rub someone to lift my spirits, could you show me your cock and balls? It's always good for a laugh.

Christie said...

Varient E: You know I never had road rage until I moved to Seattle for college. That place is a bigger mess than Portland. I can't wait to get back. At least people there are totally rude about everything.

Guilty Secrets: I aim to please!

Corky: I think you should bring your happy stuff over here along with the flowers. I need a hug.

Jenny! said...

Wow, you need to take your meds babe...I can run to Walgreens and pick them up for you!

I feel your anger...and I think I love you!

Christie said...

Oh, Jenny, you're just saying that because you want to see my husbands anaconda.

But you can pick up my meds, thanks! It's under Crazy Bitch.

random moments said...

Man, I sure could have used this yesterday _i'm slacking on my reading.

I too was in that I-wanna-stab-someone-in-the-eye-with-a-lead-pencil mood. Anyone would do, really.

I hate, no let me re-phrase that, HATE when men say "Oh, is your little friend visiting?" just because I'm pissy. When they do I would like to say "Yeah, say hello to my little frien'" Scarface style.

Jenny! said...

I will get mine while I am there too...mine are under Cunt Bitch!

Effortlessly Average said...

The question I have is:

Do you really love splooge?