Friday, February 6, 2009

You are so not my favorite people.

Dear IRS,

Hi, whassup? Are you working yet? Are you on extended lunch break? Did you all come down with some shitty virus? There has got to be a reason you failed to deliver my refund check on the day you said you would. There just has to be, because you are the IRS, you don't make mistakes, remember.

Or is it you can only pull your head out of your ass when we owe you money, or when our tax preparer fucks up our refund and you decide to audit us? Because I know, if I owe you 5 fucking cents you are all over my shit and then charge interest for that 5 cents until I owe you hundreds of dollars.

But when you owe us thousands of dollars, we have to pretty much sit and spin while you take your own sweet time processing our claim.

I hate you, IRS. I hate your automated phone messages, and your stupid phone directory that never ever seems to work right. I hate all your corporate drones that cannot even admit that they may be in the wrong, it's like they live in fear of being wrong. Do you hold public executions of the employees that make mistakes?

My point is, Mr. IRS, you suck. If you send 2 emails stating our return has indeed been accepted and we should expect our refund no later than February 6, I don't know, I expect that shit deposited in my account by February 6. And since today is, in fact, Feb. 6, I was wondering "WHAT THE FUCK!"? Because my account certainly doesn't have thousands of dollars floating around in it.

I think it is abso-fucking-lutely retarded that up until yesterday, it had 02/06/09 as the deposit date, but when that day comes, you've changed it to 02/17/09. Um, that, fuckers, is almost 2 more weeks. It's already been 2 weeks since we filed. If I would have known it would take almost a month, I would have shelled out the money to have some swarmy tax preparer at H&R Block prepare my return. I bet I could have shown some tiddies to get a discount or something. Instead, I'm getting fucked for free by you guys.

Thanks for nothing, you worthless liars,

Christie M Ferris


Real Live Lesbian said...

You nailed it. Sorry that it's sucking, but that's just WHO they are...and they're really good at it.

Crystal said...

They best be gettin my return to my bank by the 13th like they said or I will help you jump them.hell, I will help you jump them anyway.

Christie said...

RLL: They are exceptionally good at being dickbags, aren't they.

Crystal: Thanks for having my back.

BTW, people, my mom, who filed last Saturday, got her return on Feb. 6. So I am thoroughly pissed now.

Toryssa said...

One of my friends just got SIX THOUSAND dollars back. Seriously? I had no idea that was even possible. Apparently I've been doing something wrong.

I dropped mine off last night, hopefully my tax girl will work some fucking miracles!

Christie said...

Toryssa: We have tons of kids. They are, in fact, our little tax deductions. Cha-ching! Cha-ching! Cha-ching! And the fact I bring nothing to the earnings table, means I'm a deduction, too. Cha-ching!

Housewife/househusband and kids. That's the ticket.

And the most I ever got back when I was divorced and had just one kid was $4,000. That was a good year.

random moments said...

Tell us how you really feel now Christie.

I hear ya tho, I get such anxiety around this time of year because of the IRS.

Kelly said...


I like you.