Sunday, December 21, 2008

I must be an adult now because I see snow for what it is; Evil.

Be prepared to read a rant like one you've never seen from me before. Sorry in advance. Leave now if you want jolly happy thoughts because you aren't going to get it here.

--Deep breath taken--

Snow is the stupidest shit on earth. Some horrible person came up with it to make adults fucking sick to death of their children. Kids only love what makes adults nuts. Like Miley Whorus and Jonas Browhores. All the snow days should be made up so I can take mental health days to recoup, therefore I am writing a letter to the higherarchy of public education to allow the kids to go to school all weekends for the next 2 months. Momma is one step away from a drinking and pill addiction due to the loudness of her confined children. If my husband is stuck home for one more day, I am going to lock him out of the house. I love you, but seriously, we get along so well because you are gone 10 hours a day. If I see him biting his nails one more time, I am going to seriously break out the slatted bamboo spoon and break his damn fingers. Gross! You fondle yourself and scratch your ass with that hand. Seriously, I am done kissing you. Every time I see him do it, I feel like kicking him. Christmas can seriously kiss my fat white ass. I am sick of Christmas music, the stupid fake tree, the lights, etc. etc. But I am also pissed at the thought of Mother Fucking Nature dumping snow on us so hard, I am faced with being stuck in my home instead of my Nanna's dining room, stuffing my face with her cabbage almond salad and toffee bars. Where are the snow plows, huh? Is Shoreline the Siberia of King County? Seriously? I did brave the beast yesterday to get out FOR THE FIRST TIME to try and get stocking stuffers and gifts for my children. Unfortunately, douche bags that think ice is fun and see no reason to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN when driving on it also decided to brave the weather. I was almost killed by some fucktarded teenagers in the shopping complex. I had a Fried Green Tomatoes moment, when the thought of getting back into my 4 wheel drive Durango and ramming their stupid little car from all angles took over. Face it, I AM older and have much better insurance, and I face no threat of being grounded for weeks at a time for wrecking my car. No insurance company will take the side of a bunch of stupid teenagers over a 32 year old soccer mom with a perfect driving record. Plus I would have the whole parking lot of the older sort of people that could see how annoying and stupid those children were. They did almost hit other people when they flew through the crosswalk full of people, and disobeyed the stop signs and almost rammed a car full of children while the mom fought to keep from hitting the stupid teenagers. I am tired of being freezing all the time, even when in my bed with flannel sheets, goose down comforter, flannel pajama bottoms, long sleeve sweater, AND socks. It is so cold in our house, even with the heaters on 24-fucking-7, the butter on the counter would be softer if left in the fridge. I am sick of wearing a coat and gloves when sitting on the couch, buried under a blanket. And why is it that there absolutely nothing on t.v. when I can actually sit down and watch it? Seriously, I never knew there were so many infomercials. (BTW, the Ped-Egg one is the worst. The part where they show the skin shavings being dumped out is too gross. Jay and I seriously dry heaved over that) Lifetime has the WORST Christmas movies ever. I actually chose to watch Jackass last night over SNL. Shocking, I know. Is it just me, or is SNL getting stupid again? They have some good stuff, but then they fill the rest of the show with drawn out stupid skits that seem to go on and on. and on. and on. and on. All this horrible snow has given me the chance to sit and watch one of my favorite movies, Sense and Sensibility. And Pride and Prejudice. However, Jay decided to sit and watch part of it, and of course, ruined my happiness by saying how stupid the men were and how faggy they sounded. Um, hello, I would put out more if you phrased it so eloquently every now and then. Yes, sometimes "Come on baby, let's fuck" does work, but once in a while, softer words could get the, um, juices flowing, too. I never noticed how much my kids eat when there is nothing but video games, t.v., and books to distract them. Luckily, Jay brought home the biggest canister of popcorn ever, and the kids have called that lunch a time or two this past week of house-arrest (courtesy of the snow). I am thinking of saving it for my dog when Jay kills him. Because he freaking loves the snow, he decides to roll around in it, then run inside, jump on my leather couch, and shakes cold snow all over everyone and everything. He thinks it's funny when we run after him with a towel to dry him off, and man, he is squirrely. Who knew he could jam himself under Evan's bed, that is maybe 6 inches off the ground. He has taken to hiding in the oddest places rather than face us. I can say, as long as I have the computer and my 15 library books, I should be OK. But they are threatening a huge storm that could cut off our power. Seriously, the computer and t.v. are Jay's sanity keepers, and if he can't stash himself in the office while I fondle the remote control or try and read a book, we are going to kill each other.

--Inhale again--


Crystal said...

1. I hate snow now too. I have only seen it three times in my life.

2. I know what you mean about guys' fingers. My rule is that my bf must wash his hands before eating and before touching the poohnanny.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Teenagers are the future of America, and you are no longer relevant. So the next time you see them coming, get the fuck out of their way.

Toryssa said...

Holy fuck, ME TOO.

I am so over the goddamned snow. I haven't left my house in days. And CHRISTMAS MUST BE SHOPPED FOR.