Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I am so fucking hungry

I have not eaten since 10:30. I can only have clear liquid until tomorrow at 4:00. Life sucks balls.

I know, I know, I know. It hasn't been that long since I last crammed my face with canned peaches and oranges (I can't have fresh according to my long, long list of no-no's the doctor sent home) and a toaster biscuit. BUT, the thought of not eating is making me hungrier. Plus, I haven't been eating that much lately anyway because, hell, it all makes me kinda sick and ends up leaving my system within an hour of consuming it.

My step-dad had a small surgery yesterday so he is also at home stoned out of his gourd on pain killers. He offered to buy us lunch if I would drive him around to run some errands. Of course, I can't eat anything. Instead, I made the kids and him grilled ham and cheese sandwiches all while my mouth watered. I don't even like ham that much. It also doesn't help when I am going around reading all your pages and for some mean reason, a lot of you are talking about food AND showing damn pictures of your delicious meals. Fuckers.

I weighed myself so I can see how much weight I can lose if I make diuretics part of my daily lifestyle. I've already lost 3 pounds this past week from my lack of eating. Awesome.

I made my husband promise not to do the following things while I am shitting my brains out today:
  1. Block my way to the bathroom
  2. Lock the bathroom door when no one is in there
  3. Hold me down as I try and race to the bathroom
  4. Stand at the bathroom door and make loud obnoxious noises
  5. Make comments about how good the pizza is and rub it in that I can't have any
  6. Make fun of me for whatever noises may come from the bathroom
  7. Make fun of any smells that come from the bathroom
  8. Fuck with me in any way shape or form
  9. Blog about my horrible experience
  10. Take all the toilet paper out of the bathroom and go upstairs, forcing me to scream myself silly until someone, anyone, brings me toilet paper
  11. Hide the toilet paper
He didn't want to promise, and I can't remember if he said the words, but he said he would be "nice" and "helpful". I guess we'll see. If I come back on Thursday telling you of my intent to file for divorce, you would obviously know my husband stepped up from his regular douchebaggery, and crossed the line. I made sure to point out that Washington law states that I would get close to 65% of his earnings in child support alone, not counting spousal maintenance. And he wouldn't be able to get any visitation if he is living out of a cardboard box.

Don't fuck with a hungry woman whose about to get anal probed.

12 comments:

captain corky said...

Too bad I can't give you the stomach flu I had last week. You wouldn't want to eat for three days and you would be "cleaned out" within 6 hours.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I would've tied you down and duct taped your butt cheeks. But that's just me.

random moments said...

Your hubby sounds HILARIOUS - err, I mean, hateful. He sounds HATEFUL.

Did you make him promise you to take you out to whatever restaurant you want after this ordeal? I would suggest a buffet, if it were me. ;)

Toryssa said...

I'm one of those food bloggers. Sorry!

I have nothing to add to all this diuretics talk... oh. Once I was in the UK and told a Dr. that I wasn't feeling very well. She said, "yes, it's VD. It's going around." We had a long argument about it NOT being VD. I had a cold, not fucking gonorrhea. What kind of place is this anyway? Going around?! Apparently to her VD was short for vomiting and diarrhea, not venereal disease.

Lizzle said...

Here's hoping that your anal probe went well!

I see Jay trying to find some manner of torture not covered in the explicit rules and talking his way out of any type of punitive damages because it was not specifically a violation of the guidelines you set forth. In which case you need to tease him about his spider dreams and remind him that he apparently lusts after condiments and breakfast foods in his sleep.

Brooke said...

Painkillers! You need painkillers after the anal probe and trust me, they work best on an empty stomach :)

Amanda said...

Those are things I think Austin would try and do to me as well.. in trying to lighten the situation. Too funny. Mighty dyckersons comment above is fantastic. I feel like doing that to the bf when he goes on a farting binging of a fart every 10 minutes at least for hours upon hours at a time. Is that normal? Is that healthy? I think not. lol.

Real Live Lesbian said...

#8 should have covered all bases!

I hope you're feeling better!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Um... so not only are you getting something stuck up your bum, but you cant eat anything? What a garbage week.

TheBirdman33 said...

Your husband sounds like a gem! lol


Sorry that it is so tough on your tummy (and toilet) right now.

minijonb said...

i had to go through that routine. it's no fun. i hope your recovery goes fine with no probs!!!

Bina said...

All I can say is, HA HA HA. Not at your problem, but what you told your husband.