Tuesday, November 27, 2007

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas and all the crap. I have been a good girl this year. Well, I improved from last year, so that says something right. I mean, I did get up at the ungodly time of 5:15 this very morning to take my husband to his vanpool for his first official day of work. I didn't yell at my son when I got home and fell into bed and he crawled in with me and then insisted I explain to him why Superman isn't real, even though he is in a few movies. I didn't swear when I finally got up and guzzled coffee, forgetting in my tiredness that coffee is hot when it first comes out of the carafe. I also didn't knock my daughter over when she blocked my way to the coffee pot because she NEEDED more milky right now (even though when I poured it, she didn't even touch it).

So I think I deserve some stuff this year. I know, I know. Some of the stuff you can't put in your bag, but you have got to have some pull with the plastic surgeons right? I mean, your Santa, for crying out loud. And I know a house is something pretty personal, but I've watched Miracle on 34th Street, so I know you can get it for me if you really wanted to.

Christie's Christmas List

  1. Breast Augmentation. I don't need them bigger (D's are big enough, thank you) or smaller (cause Heaven forbid Jay doesn't have a handful. It's not like he has to lug these huge things around all the time). I just wanted them put back where they were before 3 kids got hold of them. Think perky and happy.
  2. A house. Nothing too super fancy. I just need 4 bedrooms (ours, the boys, Kenzie, and a guest room), a living and family room, den (for our 2 computers and the lap top, plus our 2 desks), at least 2 1/2 bathrooms (cause you know if one kid is going, the other one has to go as well, and usually it 's when I'm in the shower), the mother of all kitchens with a double oven, gas grill stove, a sub-zero fridge, plus an island the size of, well, a large island. I also NEED ( truly, I do) a large pantry for all the food a family of 5 consumes plus space to store my many, many kitchen appliances and cook books. I also require a fenced in back yard for the kids and the dog that I am also asking for. Oh, and it should have a wooden swing set. I need at least a 2 car garage, even though we only have 1 car (I need room to park the Durango and still have room to move around.
  3. A dog. Since my husband is allergic to most dogs and is apparently too lazy to get shots, it has to be a hypoallergenic dog. So I would either like a Bishon Frise or a Westhighland Terrier. It needs to be a girl, and I really don't want a puppy. I've already potty trained 3 kids, I do not want to do it again for a dog. I will also need all of the fixings that a dog requires; leash, bowls, bed, etc., etc. Oh, and it should be current on it's shots. Those are spendy, you know.
  4. A 52 inch flat screen t.v. I don't know the exact kind, but I'm sure if you check out my husband's list, he'll have it listed exactly, down to the SKU number.
  5. X-Box 360 so that I can play Star Wars- The Complete Saga. That is the only game that interests me, really. Again, check hubby's list. I'm sure he's listed a hundred or so.
  6. Lyposuction. My ass, hips, thighs, arms, neck, hell, pretty much everything can go. Really, it can.
  7. Tummy Tuck. Three kids have turned my stomach into a jelly roll that even a doctor said won't go away with diet and exercise. I gave them life, you can give me a flat stomach. Please.
  8. New Wardrobe. When I get my new body, nothing will fit, so I simply MUST have new clothes. I'm not too picky, I'm sure I could get by at Target. I love that place. But I would require some awesome shoes from some high end designers. Jay requests thigh high boots with a very tall heal for some reason.
  9. A complete spa package. You know the kind where I arrive at 9 in the morning and leave at 6 completely a new person.
  10. Straight hair. I think God was being mean when he gave me naturally curly hair. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE it. I deserve straight hair for all the years I held back from hitting those straight hair bitches that said they would absolutely LOVE to have naturally curly hair.
  11. Square cut diamond earrings. A carat or two is fine. I'm not much of a jewelery person, but I promise I would wear those every day.
  12. A trip to Magic Mountain. Just a weekend trip.
  13. A year's supply of Starbuck's Christmas Blend coffee. I wait all year for it, and I always mean to go buy about 10 packs of it, but always forget.
  14. A flashing sign for my Durango that says "IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT, MOVE OVER, YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG". This may come across as harsh, but seriously, slow people cause accidents, too.
  15. A housekeeper. This would require a maid's room added to my house request so that she can live with us. With my big new house and rocking body, I don't plan on being home much. I need to show that thing off, you know. Plus, when we are home, I'll be strutting around in those thigh high boots and probably won't get past my bedroom due to my husbands freaky requests.
See, Santa, that isn't too long of a list. A meager 15 items. If you read my children's lists, you will see they asked for no less than 30 items each. Talk about greedy.

So kiss and hug the elves and the Mrs. for me. And I look forward to waking up on Christmas morning to see my new house. We can move in that day, I'm sure. I'll start looking and send another letter some specific homes.

Peace out,
Christie Marie


minijonb said...

As a Jew, I get to boycott Xmas and not get called a Scrogge. It's a good bargain. But I know Santa is not going to drop anything down my chimney, so I need to lie, cheat and steal to get things on my list. I don't know if you need to sleep with Santa to get all of that, but let me know what happens! =:-)

random moments said...

Ask for the stars babe! Hee hee. Sounds like you're deserving!

Oh and would you ask Santa for two of #14? I've already put in my list and that sounds way more necessary than a new flat iron...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

If you don't get the boob job, I wouldn't recommend a dog. Those saggy tits will be slapping him in the face every time he walks by you.

Yoda said...

Did I mention I love perky breasts? LOL! who doesn't :-p

I don't know what I want for Christmas yet ... but I just bought myself a car, I'll just pretend that Santa will make the monthly payments? LOL!

blewknight said...

Try a silky terrier....they don't shed either. Oh yeah, you have to get a girl for inside.

Ryan said...

That's a very reasonable list. I hope Jay's new job is bank robber or else you may be slightly let down.

captain corky said...

All I want for Christmas this year is world peace. That's realistic and not too much to ask for, is it?

Beth said...

LOL!!! Can I double this list and put my name at the bottom?

esp. the shoes part! yes!

Oh! I had a westie...it was a boy and his name was Glendon McGregor..but we just called him Gregor....great dog. GREAT dog. He was little but had personality for 10 dogs! He ran the whole neighborhood!!

Crankyputz said...

You deserve all that and more..

However in terms of the body requests...who cares...

I've got the good breasts and ok tummy, and Im all alone..

And you've got a nice hubby and 3 nice kids.....

trust me its all perspective...

Michelle said...

Wow, I think we must be twins because my list is almost exactly the same as yours. Except I need a 6 bedroom house.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

I hope you get everything you want. As long as your presents dont take up so much room in Santa's bag that my presents get pushed out. If that is the case, I hope you get nothing. As you can see, the Christmas spirit has really taken hold of me.

Princess in Galoshes said...

You're my hero.

Christie said...

minijonb-But you get 8 craaaaazy nights. At least that's what Adam Sandler said.

Random: If you can't ask Santa for anything, who can you ask, right?

Dyck: They aren't that saggy, thank you. But thanks for the pick me up anyway.

Yoda: Shit, do you think I could add paying off the Durango or is it too late?

Christie said...

Blewknight: What?

Ryan: Um, I asked Santa for all that stuff, not Jay. Duh.

Corky: World Peace? Really? I would ask for that, too, but I'm sure killing George W. would have to be added, and that's a little too much, even for Santa.

Beth: What is it with guys and high heels? If they ever work a pair of sky-high heels for 1 hour, they would never ask us to wear them again out of sympathy.

Christie said...

Cranky: Thank you! You are so sweet. But I would be happier with a new rack.

Michelle: 6 bedrooms? I say sell off a kid or two. Or get 2 maids.

Mishy: I got my list in first, therefore, all my shit takes priority. Sucks to be you!

Princess: Bow to me. I'm awesome.