Tuesday, July 3, 2007

An open letter to old people everywhere

To the old lady who stole my parking spot in the Safeway parking lot: Bitch, if you have a handicap sticker, you can park in the handicap spot. You don't need to take my spot that I was waiting for.

To the old ladies that touched my pregnant belly: Just because you are older than dirt doesn't give you the right to come up to me, a complete stranger, and touch my tummy. And you really didn't have the right to ask me how much weight I had gained. Or tut tutt when I said I was right where I should be. The reason you only gained 7 pounds with your kids is because you didn't know that smoking and drinking while knocked up caused low birth weight.

To the the same old people that insisted on touching my newborn: Don't you watch Discovery Channel and know that new mothers are very protective of their young? Keep your wrinkly, liver spotted hand away from my baby. You can see with your eyes, not your hands.

To the old man that insists on pulling out in front of me: Do you see a long line of cars behind me that I don't see? No, then wait until I pass by you before you pull out. There was absolutely NO reason for you to pull out in front of me and then go maybe 15 mph (especially when the speed limit was clearly posted as 40).

To the old people that insist on driving on the freeway: If you are too damn scared to go the posted 65 mph, get the fuck off the freeway. Please. Or at least get into the slow lane.

To the old douchbag that bypassed the line at the post office: You are an asshat. I spent 20 minutes of my time in line, with 3 screaming children and an armful of packages. You passed the line to buy stamps. Last time I checked, there was a machine in the lobby of the post office that will do that for you, in less than a minute. I understand that having to use anything computer based is a little scary for someone that learned to write on a stone tablet, but if you insist on buying them in person, at least give us the courtesy of waiting your turn.

OK, I think I am done with this rant. I'm sure I'm going to hell for this, but at least I'll go with a little less stress. Thank you and have a happy 4th. Oh, and make sure you are done with your fireworks by dusk or the old couple across the street might call the police for disturbing the peace.


Marcia said...

I love this rant. You are so ridiculously right.

Crystal said...

I understand that having to use anything computer based is a little scary for someone that learned to write on a stone tablet

holy shit that is funny. and mean. and funny!