Thursday, December 11, 2008

In my world

In my world, the one where everyone did things my way (i.e. the right way), certain rules would apply. Such as:
  • If you are too scared to go the speed limit, you would just stop driving. You fucking slow people cause just as many accidents as the speed demons. Also, you would stay the hell out of the far left lanes of the freeway, if you are too scared to go the speed limit, you have no right to be in the fast lanes. (This rule mostly applies to old people. They piss me off almost as much as the semi drivers.)
  • Semi-drivers would sleep regularly and be drug-tested. I am sick of being almost killed by a semi driver that has been driving 50 hours straight and is only awake due to a bottle of No-Doze, tequila, and Red Bull, with a cocaine-chaser. They would also realize that they do not, in fact, rule the G.D. road. They would also keep the fuck out of the far left lanes. Hello, moron, you are pulling a shit-ton of crap, you cannot possibly go faster than anyone on the road, unless you count the old people, which I don't.
  • Those companies that call you, then have a voice automated system telling me to call them back at 1-800-I-Fucking-Suck would be sent directly to prison. How rude is that to call someone only to have a computer tell me what to do. Fuck them. I don't care if they are calling to tell me I won the lottery, I am hanging up on their ass.
  • Parents that did not watch their children would be sent to jail. How hard is it to wrangle your child into submission for craps sake. You are bigger than them, take advantage of the fact. I see no reason to be run over by a 3 year old pushing a shopping cart while his mommy orders crap she doesn't need from the bakery counter. I also cannot stand to be kicked while in line at the grocery store, or be the rescuer of a child going bat shit crazy climbing out of the cart while it is almost tipping over because their mommy is too busy checking out which celebrity is really an alien in the National Inquirer. Here's a hint: The National Inquirer is full of crap, nothing they write is ever true, you can pretty much take what they say, reverse it, and that is closer to the truth. Watch your goddamn kid already. Fuck.
  • I also would punish parents that allow their kid to walk around filthy dirty, snot dripping all over, clothed in something that would fit an infant while they, the parent, walk around in high end clothing, looking like they just stepped out of Cosmo. You can go without a shower for one day, I bet, a lot more than your kid that can barely wipe their own ass and rub themselves in dirt can. The washing machine does wash children's clothes just as easily as it can your clothes, I promise. And I just bet that Nordstroms hasn't stopped carrying kids clothes since I stopped shopping there. You aren't growing anywhere but around the waist, so put down the chicken leg, and buy your kids some pants that don't come up to their knees already.
  • Also, parents, Ding-Dongs do not a healthy snack make. So when your kids soccer coach asks you to bring something for half-time that is healthy, please leave the kook-aid and Hostess products at home. Thank you.
  • If you have more than one transaction to make at the bank, please don't go through the drive-thru, you lazy piece of shit. The drive-thru is for quick stuff, not getting the balance on your 50 overdrawn accounts while depositing just enough to get you out of the red in all of them. I hate you. Die already.
  • If you are shopping at Costco, you should keep moving, pushing your cart to the side of the aisle, not stopping in the center of it, blocking the whole aisle, while you consult your list. There is also no reason to abandon your cart so you can get first in line for a baby-size portion of a chicken strip. Let it go already.
  • If you are visiting someone, park in front of their house, not their neighbors. I can say that is the easiest way to piss me off. We, personally, don't have a drive-way. We are, in fact, the only people on our whole block who do not have a drive-way. So it drives me absolutely crazy when I come home to find my neighbors' kids have parked in front of my house, and I have no place to park. Especially because they couldn't bother parking in front of their own home. I have 3 small children, and usually a car full of groceries. We also have just one car, I should be able to park said car in front of the house without a problem.
Phew, I feel somewhat better now. Sorry if this just a rambling bitch session, but I smacked my head on the underside of the counter earlier, and I am a little dizzy, and have a raging headache going on. Plus I have shit to get ready before my PTA meeting tonight and my board meeting for the soccer club tomorrow.

Besides, you are reading my blog. What did you expect.


Princess in Galoshes said...

I would totally move into that world.

Jay said...

Your anger both frightens and arouses me.

Sassy Blondie said...

You and I are soulmate kinda friends. Seriously...we could be related.

Oh..and wait until dark and get some shitty Barbasol shave cream and go to town on the neighbor kids' cars. They might continue to risk it after a the first couple of times, but the first night they don't park in front of your house and nothing happens, it might sink in.