Monday, October 13, 2008

I am making a statement

Maybe some of you know that Jay is growing out his beard. Chuck, as he likes to call it, has been around for a few weeks, and is now at the point of making kissing uncomfortable. So now not only am I having to look at that mess of pubic hair on my once handsome husbands face, I am also having to feel it. Gross. I am now no longer bi-curious, because if that is what it feels like down there, fuck it. No way. We tried making out the other day and I left with a red face and rash thanks to Chuck.

Chuck sucks and I hate him.

So to get my point across to Jay, I have stopped shaving. Until he shaves that shit off, I refuse to shave anything. Which I have to say has saved me at least 5 minutes in the shower every day. Which is in turn better for the environment, so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

But you know what my once handsome husband said to me? He said he would stop having sex with me if I got too hairy! How hypocritical of him. It's not like he would be fucking my hairy armpits or legs, right? And it's not like I have been completely hairless down there for the last 8 years. I, however, have to touch that mess when we have sex. And I haven't refused him yet. Douche.

Crystal told me to enjoy it, savor it. Um, no. I tried, I tried for like 5 minutes to fall in love with it. No. No way is that happening. It stinks, it collects hair and dust like no ones business, it also collects food (yesterday it was hummus and cauliflower, not the best smelling combo I promise). It also feels like a Brillo pad.

He promised to shave it off in time for my birthday, but that is forever away. What am I supposed to do? I usually find him so hot and sexable, but now he looks like a dirty, gross, mountain man. Ick. I left Shithalis because I wanted to leave rednecks behind. And now I'm married to Hillbilly Hank. Fuck.


Jay said...

How can it be hypocritical of me when you yourself just openly professed that you won't give it to me because of my hair? And it's not like I've ever expected you to want me while the beard is in bloom.

Christie said...

I never said I wouldn't give it to you. At least not on my blog.

Crystal said...

y'all should take up role playing. you can be a hooker (but not a disease infested one - more like a julia roberts hooker) and he can be a john (but not like the smarmy fattycakes nervous talking johns -more like a richard gere john) and then you don't have to kiss.

BOOM. Problem solved.

Crystal said...

oops. i did not think about inner thigh burn. jay, maybe you should shave it off.

Beth said...

if only I had to worry about inner thigh burn! ahhh well...I say shave it off. Why's he growing it out anyway? beards are gross....and itchy...and dusty...and foody....yuk.

Christie said...

Crystal: Yes, he should shave it off! YES!

Beth: To annoy me, I'm sure. He really likes it, he talks to it and everything. It's crazy.

Jay said...

You're all just jealous. And icky girls.

Lizzle said...

Hell, just a little bit of stubble can give a girl a rash! Full on WEIRDY BEARDY MODE is harsh! I'm not going to go so far as to advocate no sex, because I'm all for people getting theirs, so instead maybe you should stop cooking delicious meals until you know they will end up in his mouth and not crusted into his weirdy beardy?

Just an idea.

The no shaving works. And the no sex thing is effective too, even if it comes down to a test of wills and an argument over hypocrisy.

This is going to get interesting!

Mind of MadMan said...

Please shave. The thought of Christie NOT shaving is revolting and you know it.. Give in man, just give in....
From a fellow Washingtonian

Guilty Secret said...


I'm always trying to convince Baddie to grow a beard but he wont... now you're making me grateful!