Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Could I be?

If I could get pregnant, I would swear I was right now.


Because my gums bleed when I brush my teeth, I am ready for bed at 6:30 in the evening from doing nothing but kneading bread all day, and the smell of my most beloved drink, coffee, makes me want to puke up all the food I consumed throughout the day. I also am hungry enough for 10 people.

If none of this sounds the least bit odd to you, you are either a man or a woman who has never experienced being knocked up. Because most women experience this stuff when they are prego.

With Mason, I could not stand the smell of meat. Any meat. Especially when it was being cooked. My ex-husband would have to stand outside to eat a burger because I forbid him to eat anything like that in my house (which was technically his house since he got it before me, but hey, I was prego with his spawn so the least he could do was step the hell outside). I would also sleep the day away and still be ready for bed by 7:00.

With Evan, I thought I would die from the smell of olive oil. OLIVE OIL. Really. I was in Cucina Cucina with some friends who were also pregnant, and I went to eat some bread I had dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar and threw up. in. my. mouth. Gross. So I used no olive oil for the rest of my pregnancy. I would also come home from work and promptly fall asleep on the couch.

With Kenzie, it was lemons. Yeah, I know, lemons. Do you know how many times you smell lemons in a day without realizing you are smelling lemons. From how much I puked, I can tell you the number is dozens. I also couldn't stand the smell of meat, olive oil, and pretty much any strong cheese. And I love cheese in all forms (head cheese excluded, of course). Again, I was out for the count right after work.

And with all of them, the mass amounts of blood lost when brushing my teeth. It was so gross. Almost, but not quite, worth it to stop brushing all together. And forget about mouthwash, that was just tempting the bile left in my stomach.

You may also be wondering why I doubt my abilities to get knocked up.

Well, the reason, as some may know, is that I had my tubes tied after I had Kenzie. Jay filmed it so that if I ever did get pregnant again, we could sue the hospital and afford the 4th kid. I also found out after my doctor was sewing me up that my uterus was so strained from carrying 2 children back to back (remember, E and K are just 10 1/2 months apart, which means 2 kids in less than 2 years) that had I gone into labor with her, she probably would have died, taking me with her, because my uterus would have ruptured. Such a lovely thing to hear after you give birth, right.

I also am down an ovary, since a little over 2 years ago, I had lefty removed due to endometriosis. They also took my fallopian tube.

So here I go along for close to 5 years thinking I could never get pregnant again, and what does my doctor tell me when I go in for my cough?

Dr. Hotty: Could you be pregnant?

Me: No. Not a chance.

Dr. Hotty: What type of protection are you using?

Me: Protection?! Pshh, we don't use protection.

Dr. Annoying: So are you abstaining from sex then?

Me: My husband seems to feel that way, but no, we are not technically abstaining from sex.

Dr. Annoying: So why do you think you can't be pregnant?

Me: I had my tubes tied. It's right there in your chart.

Dr. Not-So-Hotty: Just because you had a tubal ligation does not mean you can't get pregnant.

Me: (dead pale and ready to pass out) What. Do. You. Mean. Isn't that the reason people get their tubes tied? So they can't get pregnant?

Dr. Pissing-Me-Off: Your ability to get pregnant drop significantly, but it is not a 100% guarantee blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah should use some type of protection blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah could prescribe some type of birth control ......

Me: Hold up, Dr. Doom. I got married so I could cut out the birth control and condom crap. I am 31 years old, I have 3 children that no longer require my boobs as their food source, and my husband would push my fat ass down the stairs if I ever got pregnant again. And I'm down an ovary, which means I've only got 1 working. And from what my gyno tells me, it's not that great of an ovary anyway.

Dr. Fuckface: You still have a chance of getting pregnant. Of course, it most likely would be a tubal pregnancy, but you can still get pregnant.

I stopped listening at this point. I hurried him along, took the damn blood test, and off I went. Of course, the test came back negative and I forgot about it.

I did, however, tell my husband this bit of news. He copied me by turning pasty white and had to sit down, head between his knees. I'm sure he was thinking that we have no stairs around us, and I've told far too many people about the stair pushing idea, so he would have to think of a better plan.

Anyway, my point was, I feel like I am with child again. I'm most likely not, but our luck dictates that it will happen. We have shitty luck.


Crystal said...

one time my aunt had a black lab named mammy and mammy had been spayed years before and then my aunt noticed that mammy's boobs got enlarged and she started lactating and she kept digging under the house (to make a comfy spot for babies) and so my aunt to mammy to the vet and was like, "WTF?" and the vet told her that sometimes mammals will trick themselves into being pregnant. what had happened was that a feral cat had babies and then took off on them and so mammy nursed the kittens. the kittens needed her so she thought she was pregnant and her body thought she was pregnant.

got any cats around there?

Mind of MadMan said...

CONGRADULATIONS!! He shaved!!! (Sorry could not resist)
Yep one tube or even no tubes you can still get pregnant with that wonderful stuff called SPERM...
Men give woman 3 millions reasons to get pregnant.
My wife and I had four children after 30 (one set of twins and no fertility), believe me it is just fine.

Christie said...

Um, no, no cats. And believe me, the last thing I want is to be pregnant again. I hated being pregnant so much.

AJ said...

awww you are having sympathy pains for me! :-) lol. Hope you feel better soon!

Toryssa said...

Luckily though, you guys have really cute kids... so you know. At least it wouldn't be an UGLY baby.

Christie said...

Toryssa: Yeah, I guess you are right. But I think Kenzie would try and hurt it somehow. She wanted a baby sister until she realized that the baby would take her place as the baby. Then she said I could never have another baby. I'd have to watch her like a hawk.

Christie said...

AJ: I'm sure it's just my body being a bitch, but we'll see. How are you feeling? You are past the blueberry stage, right.

Jay said...

I'll start building some stairs, just to be on the safe side.

AJ said...

that a boy Jay! Thinkin ahead!

I am in the lemon stage right now (14 weeks). All I can say is that I officially admit that my body is no longer my own.

Chris said...

Two things:

1. Maybe its another immaculate conception and you're carrying the new baby Jesus.

2. You were holding a shitload of WAMU stock.

Christie said...

AJ: Have you started passing gas at the worst moments yet? That is the most embarrassing thing ever. Well, that and peeing when you sneeze, cough, or laugh to hard. Bring a change of panties everywhere, just to be safe.

Chris: Lord help us all.

Princess in Galoshes said...

Oh buddy. There's been something in the water, lately. It's why I've been drinking nothing but wine, myself. I suggest you do the same. (Once you are very sure you're not preggo, of course.)

Guilty Secret said...

Christie, this was the funniest post of yours I've ever read! I'm in hysterics here in my office!

Christie said...

Princess: I can't drink anymore. Stupid bleeding ulcer. My life sucks.

Guilty: Why thank you. I'm glad I can make someone smile. ;)

Beth said...

WHATTHEHELL????! I thought if you got your freakin tubes tied, you were DONE getting pregnant???!!!

Did Dr. Annoying do a pregnancy test or just leave you hangin????