Thursday, January 10, 2008

I want food

Due to my dumbass stupid decisions, I am on a fast today, and might as well have been yesterday. My stupid ulcer and diverticulitis are acting up, making my stomach a pissed off bitch. And apparently, thanks to my husbands need to know all and spend any amount of time on the good old internet to find it, I have been put on a low residue diet to help me get better.

Low residue diet? What is that, you may be asking yourselves. Well, it basically means everything I don't normally eat, I have to. Well, not have to, necessarily, but I can eat. White bread, white rice, highly processed food. Crap, basically. Anything that doesn't cause much stomach uproar, I guess.

The only problem with this low residue diet, is that some of the stuff that doesn't affect diverticulitis, affects my ulcer. And let me tell you, if you haven't thrown up blood except for that time you got alcohol poisoning, it just isn't that fun.

I am going to the doctor on Friday morning, and hopefully, she will hand me a much stronger dose of my ulcer medication, give me antibiotics for the diverticulitis, and send me on my merry way. Unfortunately, I've had issues before, and I think she is going to schedule an upper and lower GI, and those kind of suck. Tubes being shoved down your throat and up your ass just aren't that comfortable.

So I am starved, not looking forward to the doctor's appointment, carrying around a bottle of Maalox liquid, hungry, in pain when I walk, ravenous, tired of drinking stupid water, in desperate need of food, cranky, and did I mention hungry? I really have been feeling pissed off since I woke up, and oh shit, getting angry makes my ulcer angry, which means, my stomach already hurts. See that, on top of my ulcer getting ready to burn it's way through my stomach, my poor tummy is rumbling, begging me to feed it something, anything. And all I can give it is some nice, cool, refreshing.... FUCKING WATER. Or stupid green tea. Or stupid clear juice. Everyone knows that the foggier the juice, the better it is. Duh. I guess my stomach missed that memo. Even if I wasn't fasting today, the list of what I can eat are pretty slim. I can have rice, but not really any veggies in it. No meat, unless it is soft and ground without any seasoning on it. I can have soft cheese, but not too much, because cheese is hard to digest if you have too much. I can't have dairy either. Chocolate burns my ulcer. My precious coffee is also out. I am dying inside. The coffee pot is glaring at me because I won't play with it.

Obviously, I am going crazy from lack of food. This is complete bullshit. Did I mention what I ate yesterday? About 1/2 a cup of rice three different times yesterday. Three shortbread cookies. One little tiny Yoplait yogurt. And water. Water be damned, I say.

So in closing, I am absurdly hungry, I am pissed off and cranky, I do not want to go to the doctor for fear she is going to tell me to keep up this bullshit low residue diet and make me go put stuff up my ass and down my throat, and I have a wonderful husband that wants me to get better and loves me even though I am defective.

10 comments:

Yoda said...

Awwww ... I'm sending majorly good vibes your way. I'm sure you'll feel better soon :-)

And that husband of yours? A total gem.

Robot Zombie Vampire said...

Methinks I should have purchased the extended warranty...

Crystal said...

i'm sorry christie. that blows.

you should smoke some cigarettes. it's gross but that's what all the models do so they can handle not eating.

Brooke said...

UGH! I feel for you. I had an upper and lower GI last month and it is seriously unpleasant. In my case I have a wayward gallstone stuck in one of my ducts so if I eat anything with even a tinge of grease, red meat, red sauce or anything that is not crazy bland my gallbladder goes nuts. Fun!

Feel better and here's to hoping you will remain tube-free :)

Toryssa said...

Holy shit, that SUCKS. Hope you get fixed soon!

Beth said...

I had a big 'ole palte of pasta..it was good. It's white..can you eat that?

ulcers suck balls

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My deepest sympathies. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to order myself a delicious pizza pie. While I'm waiting, I'm going to eat a juicy triple cheeseburger and fries and wash it all down with an extra thick chocolate milkshake.

captain corky said...

Sounds awful! I hope you feel better. I just got my apetite back today. I couldn't eat for almost three days. That sucked!

Princess in Galoshes said...

I'm pretty sure chardonnay counts as a clear liquid....

Effortlessly Average said...

"...and make me go put stuff up my ass and down my throat..."

Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? I can't believe Dyck didn't catch this.