Thursday, August 9, 2007

Now I'm scared of tonic

Tonight I was watching this freaky show, so freaky, in fact, I kept getting chills and wondering why I was still watching it. Can you guess what it was? Can ya?

The Sharkman on the Discovery Channel.

What a fucked up guy that dude is. He willingly plops himself into a pool of TIGER SHARKS without a shark suit on, no cage, no spear, but with a bucket of chum and practically begs these sharks to tear him into bits.

His purpose is to put these sharks in a tonic state, meaning, make them fall asleep just by touching a special place on their nose. Who's crazy ass idea was that anyway? Did some idiot wake up in the morning and say to themselves "You know what, I bet if I jumped into the ocean, spread some blood around, got the sharks all whipped into a frenzy, they will willingly let me touch their nose and then fall asleep". Really, how do they come up with this?

Anyway, this crazy fucker did manage to put a small reef shark into a tonic state for awhile. The minute he let go, it woke up and bolted the hell out of there. Look at that crazy picture, will you. What the hell? Sharkman then thought, "Hmmm, if I can do it with some tiny 6 foot shark, I bet I can get a 12 foot great white shark to do it. Unfortunately, they weren't having anything to do with it. And since it was too close to their "biting season" (seriously, biting season? Do you need a better reason than that to stay the hell out of the ocean?), Sharkman moved onto the Tiger Shark. Better known as the garbage disposal of the sea. Scientists have actually found metal and garbage in their stomachs, they just aren't too picky. Genius.

Anyway, this moron just jumps right in and goes for it. I about shat myself when he pushed too hard with one shark and it banged it's head into the guy and then took off. I was really hoping the shark would take his arm off because, let's face it, he fucking deserved it. Pissing off a huge ass shark is not something I would find fun. I mean, have you not seen Jaws? If that movie has taught us anything, it is that you just don't mess with sharks because they are bigger and can cut you in half in one bite. But this dude was persistent and it finally paid off. He actually got the tiger shark to fall 50 feet in the water while it was in a tonic state. What a crazy S.O.B!

Now, don't get me wrong. I am all for sharks and everything. I just don't see the need to haul my fat ass out into the ocean to swim with them. But I am fascinated by them. I love Shark Week, and try to catch a few shows every week it's on. I did miss the show about the deadliest shark attack in history, but I'm sure it'll be on 50 more times.

Funny story: While in Hawaii, fresh from graduating high school, my dad signed me up for scuba diving and surfing lessons. I guess I had failed to tell him that ankle deep is as far as I was willing to go. But I tried the scuba diving lessons. And at first, I was doing great. For about a minute. And then I realized that if I can see the fish and coral this clearly, Jaws' kid, Jaws Jr. could see me just as clearly. That is when I started hyperventilating and they had to use that big pole on the boat to pull me out. I was seriously going ape shit out there. Once we were back on land, I canceled my surfing lessons and stayed to the shallows. When it came time for para-sailing, I threatened the man's life if he dunked me, and he promised not to. Because we've all seen the pictures of great whites jumping OUT OF THE WATER. And if Jaws looked up, he would obviously think God had granted his wish and made food fall from the sky. You know what, that asshat dunked me. I was so pissed, so pissed. And I let him have it because, hot or not, you just don't go around offering up 18 year old girls to the sharks. I mean, it's common knowledge that tiger sharks are known to prowl the reefs between Maui and Lanai, which is where the scuba diving and para-sailing took place. He said they hadn't had an attack in ages. You know what, a few weeks later, Arnold Fucking Schwartinager was involved in a shark attack in the same damn place I was scuba diving. I think he saved someone or something, but who cares. It could have been me.


Dan said...

So this asshat used you as chum, or whatever the hell they call that stuff you feed to sharks (with Roy Scheider was shoveling into the water when Jaws popped up)? I'd have gotten Arnold to kick his ass. That's right!

Funny, funny post. Not just funny, but funny, funny. :)

Happy weekend!

captain corky said...

Sharkman sounds like a real asshole. What's wrong with these guys? Why can't they do drugs and drive drunk like the rest of us. ;)

Christie said...

Dan: It's amusing now, but it sure as hell wasn't then. My dad had to hold me back from pushing that jerkoff off the boat.

Corky: Exactly! See, I knew you and I were a good match.

blog Portland said...

Yet Steve Irwin had to die. The universe be a cruel captain, aye.

Dyck!! said...

If there's anything more boring than a documentary about sharks, it's reading someone's description of a documentary about sharks.

Dx said...

My older brothyer used to do this to me when I was a kid. He'd touch me on the nose, REALLY HARD, and I'd be asleep instantly. Then I'd regain consciousness. Being the youngest was always tough.

Jenny! said...

I think sharks are cool! Poor Steve Irwin...that's a damn shame...have you seen his daughters piss poor attempt at copying her dad?

Princess in Galoshes said...

What they don't tell you is that he had four stunt doubles, since they all kept getting EATING during the filming of the dumbest-idea-for-a-documentary, EVER.

I'm with you. I play in the shallow water ONLY. Usually with SPF 220 and a big hat. And an umbrella drink. Because I am just that cool.

Ryan said...

I can do the same thing as Sharkman, but with Filipinos instead.

Christie said...

BP: Life isn't always fair, is it?

Dyck: I'm sorry, babe, let' snuggle to make up for it.

Dx: You Scottish are a hard lot, man! I was the oldest child, but the only girl. I got away with tons of shit!

Jenny: Poor Steve Irwin is still an idiot for swimming with an animal that has a big ass spike in it's tail?

Princess: I'm a shallow gal, too! But I always forget the sunscreen, even though I douse the kids with it, and end up burned to a crisp.

Ryan: I'm impressed, man!

honkeie2 said...

I love the ocean and all its creatures. But these ppl are assholes that are messing with mother nature. Mother nature is a cruel bitch that loves to screw with human that screw with her.

Kerri said...

"live every week like it's 'Shark Week'..." one of my most favorite quotes ever. At least of last season's primetime.