Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Things You Should Never Say

As my hubby and I laid in bed last night, he said something that made me think of so many other things that should never be said around my huge family once we move to Seattle. Things that we say to each other pretty often because it's funny to us, and let's face it, a huge part of what makes our marriage work is that we like to play with each other and call each other horrible names. Hence why his pet name is Douchebag, and mine is Slutbag.

Here are some things that will send my grandparents to an early grave:

  1. I've seen you naked a thousand different times in a thousand different angles.
  2. I've worn you like a hat.
  3. Jesus? Who the hell is that? (Poppa was a minister, just so you know)
  4. Your tits are looking fucking huge. Let me play with them.
  5. I promise I'll just put it in for a second.
  6. Fuck off, you are a fucking cockbag.
  7. Can you talk to me without your penis in your hands?
  8. Take out the motherfucking garbage, asshat.
  9. I'll suck your dick for a g-damn cookie.
  10. Period started? Let Blowjob week begin!

And here are some words that we are going to have to edit from our vocabulary for awhile:

  1. asshat
  2. fucker
  3. douchebag
  4. funtits
  5. funbags
  6. cockrocket
  7. fuckbag
  8. skin flute
  9. slut
  10. whore
  11. whorebag
  12. ball lover
  13. dicklicker
  14. dicksucker
  15. motherfucker
  16. slutbag
And that is just a few. I'm sure I'll catch myself multiple times a day, but for now, the list is long enough.

I'm very excited about the move, but it is going to be a huge change for us. Until we find the perfect house, we are going to be living with my mom and step-dad. Which means no more boob grabbing or dick rubs while we watch t.v., I don' know if we'll make it. It just isn't a perfect day until I've gotten my hello kiss while he grabs my ass and cops a feel while I'm making dinner. I'm sure he can sneak it in, but it just won't be the same.


Crystal said...

shut up! i call it Blowjob Week too! it's much cuter than saying i have large amounts of blood flowing freely from my vagina.

our relationship is still new. i am sure that after we marry, he will still call it Blowjob Week and i will call it Get The Fuck Away From Me Or I Will Beat Your Face With A Frying Pan week. isn't that what you married folks like to fight with? frying pans? and those dough roller things? right?

Christie said...

Aw, Crystal, we prefer the personal act of using our hands. And he calls it Blowjob Week, I prefer So Fucking Horny But I Can't Do Anything About It Week.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You think your mom and dad are looking forward to having you bum off them? They're probably playing grabass in your old bedroom right now!

Christie said...

Dyck, you are gross! Don't put those images in my head, please. Kisses!

Yoda said...

I'm surprised the word 'cunt' is missing from your vocab! Here's a word you'll miss never have had used on a regular basis! LMAO!


Christie said...

Because I hate that word, Yoda. That and Snatch are not allowed in my house. Period.

mom said...

No worries. Bill's favorite sport is copping a feel of the old boobies and ass. Just once I wish he would hug me without the grabby stuff. But then I guess I'd worry. So grab Jay. . .you old douchbag.

mom said...

Oh, and Nanna does rip off a few good words. . .but she whispers them. So Christie. . be prepared. The old woman may just surprise you.

Princess in Galoshes said...

Heh heh. That was funny. Can we start taking bets on how long you last at the 'rents??

Christie said...

Mom: I read this when you first put it on, and it has taken me this long to respond. That should say enough. (burp, vomit).

captain corky said...

"Period started? Let Blowjob week begin!"

We need a blowjob week around here. I knew there was something missing in this place!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

I kinda love that you worry about censoring yourself from your parents and not necessarily your kids. Do they call you Mommy Slutbag and Daddy Asshat?

Christie said...

Princess: I give it 2 weeks before Jay and I are going nuts, and a month before the kids have destroyed their grandparents.

Corky: You don't have Blowjob Week? Wait, Jay told me it was standard with every marriage. He said it was a law and I could spend time in jail if I didn't service him. Damnit, I was tricked!

Mishy: We don't talk like that around the kids! They are pretty active and always running in and out of the room so we have plenty of opportunities to fondle and call each other names. Plus they are in bed by 8:00, which gives us plenty of groping time.

minijonb said...

You can whisper Douchebag and Slutbag to each other under the covers. In public, just use those famous phrases from Pulp Fiction:

"I love you, Honey Bunny."

"I love you, Pumpkin."

Those work for me all the time.

Ryan said...

I can only hope to one day have such a relationship.

I love romance.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Wait, you mean that behaving that way around children is bad for them? Huh... I'm going to have to have a long talk with Mommy Asshole and Daddy Fuckhead. :)

Beth said...

and that, people...is what a makes a happy, long-lasting marriage!!! I love it!!

hmm...Blow-job week....that's right around the corner...

random moments said...

Woah... This stuff sounds all too familiar. J can't walk by me without grabbing a funbag or squeezing my ass. And we love using the most ridiculous dirty words too. My fav is slutwhore and bitchhead.

Maybe you should purchase some of those dog lamp shade things for your folks to wear. Then you continue being dirty around them.

Guilty Secret said...

I really need to start verbally abusing my boyfriend more. Apparently it leads to great fun in the bedroom...